Bailey Garner (00:02.454)
What up, daddy-o?
Toby (00:05.399)
What happened to me? How are you?
Bailey Garner (00:08.21)
You know, I'm doing pretty good. It has been a busy few weeks, and I feel like I'm barely hanging on some days, if I'm being honest. What about you?
Toby (00:21.216)
It's been busy few weeks. It's been a lot of fun. And it has been busy. I'm ready for a little slowdown, for a little holiday fun.
Bailey Garner (00:22.958)
Mm-hmm.
Bailey Garner (00:32.642)
Yes. I always like feel kind of guilty. I feel like you and I are similar. We're very authentic and like open about things. And so when people ask us how we are, I can, I struggle with knowing how honest to be without sounding like I'm complaining. Do you ever struggle with that?
Toby (00:52.84)
Yeah, I think you can buy that naturally. That's kind of a part of our family of origin issues, you know, that came from my grandfather through your grandmother of, hey, man, we don't talk about where we're struggling. We don't want anyone worried about us. And it's kind of a badge of honor to not complain. And it's crazy because the older I get, you know, I just, by the time I'm 10, I'm going to be
we show this, I will have hit 60, the more I see my mom and my grandfather in me, the things that you go, oh, I'm not, I don't want to be, you know, I'd like that to be a little different. You find yourself doing the same thing.
Bailey Garner (01:35.522)
Yes. Well, it's like all the things we've been busy with, like you said, are all really great things. And I'm grateful that I, you know, have kids to keep me busy. But then some days I'm just like, blah. And I know you feel that way too about traveling. So I just want to always be aware, be aware of that. But yes, on also when this airs, you will be 60 years old. It will, will be fresh. You turned 60 yesterday. So happy birthday.
Yay!
Toby (02:06.584)
Thank you. You know, your mom and I have never been much for our birthdays. We've always just like to slide by them. But for some reason, this one feels like, wow, the gun is going off definitely on the fourth quarter of my life. And something about that number, it's not like, oh, I feel more tired or I feel old. It's more just, hey, man, there's less life in front of me than was behind me. And
It's not discouraging, but it's pretty sobering.
Bailey Garner (02:40.618)
Well, I feel like you've lived a really good third, one, two, three quarters and looking forward to the fourth and it's gonna be even better. I'm excited. Do you want me to sing you happy birthday? Ah.
Toby (02:54.036)
I would rather you did not. What I would like is for everyone to know that you got busted by your brother. He busted himself in you. That he told your mom and I about the discussion you guys had about you wanting the reindeer and he wants the vintage cracker holder or whatever. And I'm like, dude, y'all are fighting over our stuff when we die. We're still alive. Ow.
Bailey Garner (03:21.882)
even I didn't even know he wants the vintage cracker container I was just trying to call the reindeer before well I have a chance
Toby (03:28.484)
I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
This moms and dads is what you have to look forward to. Your children, you finding, catching your children in conversations about what stuff you have they're going to get after you die. So they'll say sweet things on podcasts about, oh, well, you spend such great seasons. We know this could be your best one. Behind your back, hey, when he croaks, I want that.
Bailey Garner (03:55.87)
It was more us talking about sentimental things that you guys, that you, that we loved growing up. And so like how it meant to us, not what happens when you die.
Toby (04:06.412)
That was basically, that's basically when you get those things. Okay, that's when you get those things is when I kicked the bucket. That's when you get, I mean, I won't, will you at least wait until the funeral is over before you take it or will you put it in the car during the viewing or something? Wow.
Bailey Garner (04:13.154)
Hmm.
Bailey Garner (04:16.887)
Mm-hmm.
Bailey Garner (04:21.055)
Stop it. Stop. That's not even I wasn't thinking about that. I don't think morbidly like that.
Toby (04:28.704)
Well, evidently you did for a moment there, because you were, you know, piling my stuff up.
Bailey Garner (04:34.406)
I'm gonna have to get on to Ross. How did, for letting that go, letting that slide. So anyway. Well, you know, we talk about being a busy season, moving into more busy seasons. It's November. I know last episode we talked a lot about the holidays and how to have an intentional holiday without doing all the things, you know, setting realistic expectations. But something I've really...
been struggling with and you can tell me if this is just something that's me, maybe, I don't know. And you, you and I are similar, but I really, this time of year start struggling with contentment in my life. Well, for lots, lots of, lots of things, whether it's contentment in my life circumstances, um, contentment with what we have or don't have. And I've really been trying to
process that because you, you know, I know you've told me recently, you got to think about why you're thinking about the things that you're thinking about. That was a lot of thinking. And I've also been really trying to, you know, fight the discontentment with gratitude. So I know you're going to say that. So I have the answers that you're going to give me, but I'm still struggling. And I'll sit there and be like, God, I'm thankful for this and this and this. And then I'm still
just feeling kind of hollow a little bit. And so I don't know if you have any, if you've dealt with that or anything else you can give me since I know the two things you're gonna tell me. Ha ha.
Toby (06:12.96)
Well, I'll say this is.
You know, you were fearfully and wonderfully made by your Creator. And one of the ways that God wired you...
Bailey Garner (06:21.629)
Mm-hmm.
Toby (06:27.384)
is you're relationally driven. And those relationships are all born out of your immediate family relationships. And your best friend, your mom, your dad, your brother all get to connect in ways that you don't in this season of your life. And so that's a challenge for you. And so don't apologize for that being a challenge for you.
Toby (06:56.956)
I get it. And as far as a contentment piece when it comes to what you have, again, I think you come out of that naturally. And I think that both of those things are about letting when those feelings come, being a trigger to move to another place, as opposed to either A, focusing on the fact
Those feelings are still there. The question isn't, are those feelings still there, those thoughts? The question is, are they controlling or dominating your life? And a
are they defining you? Fighting them, I think a lot of times, we feel guilty because we have feelings. It's not the feeling that we ought to feel guilty about. It is, are we willing to do the hard work to not let those feelings control our lives? That you let truth control how you feel. Or as I like to say, you let what you know control what you feel.
opposed to what you feel, control what you know. And here's the thing, B, for young moms, for people your age, I really think that there is, at a subconscious level, there's a belief. It's hard for you to believe that two things can be true at one time. And I think you guys have your culture is so black and white. That's where cancer culture comes from. Lots, I could talk forever about this.
this black and white kind of way you guys living life. The secret truth, I think, to mental wellness as it relates to lots of things, but especially contentment and joy, is, hey man, two things are true at once. One of them is I miss my family. I wish I was more consistently, daily connected to my family. And that's true. And it's also true that I am blessed. I have a church family and...
Toby (09:07.46)
close friends, and the kind of career my husband has. We should go through the list, right? So both of those things can be true at once. You just can't let one of them dominate you to the place that it begins to lead your feelings. Does that make sense?
Bailey Garner (09:25.366)
Yeah, it does. And that's as hard to do. Like...
Toby (09:31.296)
Well, yeah, it is. I'm not saying it's easy. I hope nobody ever gets from our conversations. I really try to practice what I preach here, not be prescriptive. Before I validate, I went through for a long season that being away from my family Christmas was hard. And I can remember driving from, I don't know, Webecker or El Paso, somewhere forever, getting up at 4 o'clock on a Sunday morning.
I mean, on a Christmas morning to try to get from mom's family's house to our family's house. I mean, I just, those things are, those are natural kind of battles that you fight. I just don't want you to feel shame or condemnation or guilt for fighting them. I just want you to keep fighting.
Bailey Garner (10:18.386)
Yeah. Yeah, thank you. I mean, I've been, you know, I pray that I ask God to like, cause some days it is hard to change. You know, that's all I think about, or I can, I have a hard time adjusting my focus. And so I've, you know, I try to ask God to change my desires or change my.
my thinking. I don't know if that's right either, but because sometimes I just feel like I can't do it. Like I'm trying the most, more and more. I try to change the way I feel the harder it gets. So.
Toby (10:59.284)
Yeah, and that's what I'm saying. I don't think you try to change the way you feel. I think you let it, you just decide you're not going to let those feelings control you. That's my point is what you're saying is, you feel guilty about feeling that way. And I'm like, no, that's how you feel. But you know, feeling that way and letting yourself.
Bailey Garner (11:12.227)
Mm. Yeah.
Bailey Garner (11:17.582)
Mm-hmm.
Toby (11:24.948)
get into a really low place or affecting how you interact with your kids or how you interact with your mate or how you see life. That's the battle. The battle isn't the feeling. The battle is how much ground you let the feeling take in your life. Not whether you feel it or not, but how does it affect you?
Bailey Garner (11:42.382)
Yeah, no, that's good. And I mean, I was talking to a friend the other day who she's divorced and she said the same thing about this time of year that it's kind of like it, it just brings up a lot of things and she needs kind of a mental health data process through all of our emotions. So I think that lots of people probably deal with it in a different way because the holiday season brings different memories and wishes and things like that.
Toby (12:13.164)
Well, I think about the people that listen in on our little conversations, who they are equally fighting feelings because they're around their family and because of some of the issues they have with their family. And that's what I'm saying. Two things can be true at once. And when we can live in the tension of that and be OK with it not being 100%
Bailey Garner (12:25.314)
Mm-hmm.
Toby (12:40.396)
the way we'd like it to be. That's what Paul meant, I think, when he said, I have learned how to be content. It doesn't come naturally to us. And so we learn how to be content, which does not mean there's an absence of that feeling, but it's, am I going to let that control me or not?
Bailey Garner (13:00.206)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's good.
Toby (13:03.188)
And it's OK to be sad, baby. I hear me saying that, too. It's OK to be sad. It's OK to miss something. It's OK to want something. When you talk about being content with what you have physically in your life, it's OK to want something, as long as you don't let that want become that something have you.
Bailey Garner (13:30.879)
Yeah.
Toby (13:33.064)
At some point, these kind of conversations, when it comes to possessions, like when we were talking about possessions, it comes down to, hey, man, are you medicating with stuff? I mean, really, just in general, we have to ask ourselves that. Am I medicating with stuff? Do I need this to feel good about myself? We were laughing. I taught at Cross Timbers not too long ago. And I was teaching on change, and why change was hard. And
I talked about, and mom and dad, my parents were there. And dad started talking about how, you know, mom, when we had a tough day at school, she took me to the mall because she wanted me to be a girl. And she didn't get one, so she chose to make me one. And her teaching me early, right, that, hey, you had a bad day, come on, let's go get something new to wear, she meant well.
Bailey Garner (14:19.33)
Hehehe
Toby (14:30.4)
But it took years of unwinding some of that to where, hey, man, as you know, I'm not against stuff. I'm just not going to let stuff have me, even in, like, I don't want, I like to be in a great financial place. I don't want to have stress over finances. I would rather have no stress in March than have a
Christmas that looks like it's one of the commercials on TV. Because we know what comes around with some of that. And so I have to always focus on, OK, what are the implications of this buying decision? How am I going to feel about that in a couple of months? And a lot of times, I learn to be content with what I have, because I'm not willing to pay the price that three or four months down the road, that purchase decision is going to make.
Bailey Garner (15:24.818)
Yeah, it's interesting that because, you know, I know we talked about this maybe last time with social media and you're able to see what everybody has so that can fuel some of the comparison. And I was reading the scripture about, you know, if your hand causes you to sin and cut it off or something paraphrased, I'm not the preacher you are, but I was reading about it. And
that kind of actually came to mind of like, you know, if that's something that's causes you to, you know, for me, I can see a lot of things I didn't even know I needed on social media and think then I need it. And so when I take intentional time off of it or unfollow people that share things that I know I'm gonna want, especially during this time of the year when we're really trying to be smart because we're having to buy a lot of gifts, you know.
that maybe that's a way I can be smarter. Because I know like for me with, we don't live, we live far from target. And Grant's very grateful for that. And I try to avoid going in there because I know I'm gonna just find a few things that I just thought I needed, that I didn't even know. And so I think that I can be good about that when it comes to, you know, going into stores. But we are now have stores at our fingertips all the time. And so that's something that I'm trying to be more aware of like,
You know, you talk about thinking about what you're thinking about. Well, really, like, how am I being tempted to? Where's the root of why I am thinking I need stuff I don't have? Do you know what I mean? So that was.
Toby (17:01.02)
Yeah, 100. That's what I talked about in this message, was we want to talk about the behavior. But the behaviors are the fruit. We get down to the root with, why do I need this to feel good today? Why do I need this to have a better artwork today? It's not, I mean, you can go the extreme at either end, right? One extreme is, hey, I'm never going to treat myself to anything. Everything I make is going to be a cold, calculated
Bailey Garner (17:04.151)
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Bailey Garner (17:12.149)
Mm-hmm.
Bailey Garner (17:21.729)
Yeah.
Bailey Garner (17:26.455)
Mm-hmm.
Toby (17:31.096)
find a mathematical decision. And I don't think that's how life works. But the other end of the spectrum is, hey, man, if it's not working, let's go get something. And so you find the place in the middle.
Bailey Garner (17:33.739)
Mm-hmm.
Bailey Garner (17:45.118)
Yeah, that's good. I know I'm the only one that struggles with this, so maybe, just kidding. Hopefully that's helpful to other people.
Toby (17:55.096)
For sure. For sure it is. And by the way, you just are saying things that all of us are thinking. I mean, the only difference between you and most people is you're admitting it. You're admitting some of that to be true, which is, you know. It's a healthy thing, man. It's a healthy thing to confess it. And you guys that listen to this need to know, it's not just when she's talking to me on this.
Bailey Garner (18:02.798)
Mm-hmm.
Bailey Garner (18:14.88)
Ehh
Toby (18:23.82)
this pod, as she calls it. I mean, this is how Bailey is trying to live her life, where she's honest, not about where she wants to be, but where she is at the moment. And I think that is two thirds of the battle of getting where we need to go. And you have to know yourself. You have to know.
Bailey Garner (18:24.782)
Mm-hmm.
Bailey Garner (18:30.466)
Hmm.
Toby (18:44.46)
Just like we talked about last month in rest, you have to know in this season, you're more vulnerable in some areas. And so you have to put up some boundaries in this season that you wouldn't have to put up in other seasons.
Bailey Garner (18:57.89)
How do you feel like, you know, one last thing I thought of that I would love to ask you is when you're feeling these feelings and it's good to talk them out with people and admit that you're feeling this way, you know, but how do you know? Because I'm assuming you may have struggled with similar things like, oop, alarm, how do you know?
how much to say and how much not to say. Do you know what I mean? Like how much to talk about it and how much to like, just if you talk about it more, it's gonna cause you to dwell on it, you know? I think sometimes I can go both ends of the spectrum. I either don't wanna say anything because I don't wanna put any more weight on people that I love to carry my burden, but then, or vice versa, I say too much and then there's, I like,
talk about it too often and then it becomes a Bailey just shut up. You know, I don't know if that makes sense, but I think I have a hard time knowing.
sometimes how much to share with people because I fear that I'm doing talking too much or sharing too much.
Toby (20:12.616)
Well, I think you have to be wise and ask yourself this question number one. Does somebody, not everybody, but does somebody know the truth about my struggle? And once that is true, and you can say yes to that, then the second question is, why am I bringing this up over and over again when I've already made sure someone knew? Right? And
In other words, am I making someone feel worse because it makes me feel better to keep talking about it? And I think you have to be wise about who you have those conversations with. And I think a lot of times, I just say for me, like I don't have an inside track, guys, on what she's talking about. But.
Bailey Garner (20:49.01)
Right. Yeah.
Bailey Garner (21:02.638)
Yeah
Toby (21:03.956)
I really don't, but I would say like for me, when I was struggling with missing home when I was younger, Michael was not the person for me to talk to about that because she would feel the need to do something about it or she could be the one that would get resentful. I needed a close friend that I could say, hey, this is hard for me. Can you help give me some input about how I share, where I share, how much I share or
You know, I'm seeking some counsel on this from a trusted friend. And so you have to be careful when, and you need to be careful who, and then you have to be careful how much. Would be how I would encourage you to see all of those things.
Bailey Garner (21:52.018)
Yeah. Okay, that's helpful. I always after the last episode, I cried. I said I wouldn't do that anymore, but sorry. I need to keep tissues at my desk. Yeah.
Toby (22:01.652)
Well, it is the most wonderful time of the year. And I think sometimes we forget that, man.
Everybody's not happy during the holiday season all the time. And you're still living life. Sometimes, yeah, it heightens joy, and you love your kids, anticipation, excitement, and all those things you get to do. But it also heightens people's struggles and challenges. It's like your friend that's divorced, and this is going to be a harder time of year for her than any other time of the year. And that's OK.
It's okay to not be okay in the season. It is Christmas and Thanksgiving. It's not a failure if you're not on top of the world the whole time.
Bailey Garner (22:53.022)
Yeah, that's good. Thanks, Dad.
Well, safe travels this weekend, because I know you're gonna be traveling a few different states. Yeah, yeah, multiple states within the next week. I'm excited. And then I get to see you soon. So when this drops, it'll be very soon. I'm excited for the holidays for those reasons.
Toby (23:05.889)
Yes, I am.
Toby (23:18.196)
Yeah, me too. I can't wait to be there. I can't wait to get to hang out. I'm excited about all of our little sly family, the raw slyls and the toby slyls being in the sit with the slyl gardeners. And we'll have a big old time. And I'll sneak away from the noise from time to time. It'll be great. Hey, B, look at me, baby. It's going to be OK. It really is.
Bailey Garner (23:38.826)
Yes, it will be good. Yeah.
Toby (23:46.472)
And you're doing better than you think you are. You really are. And you have everything you need for this season of your life. You really do. And that's a word for all of you mamas out there listening. You're doing better than you think you are. And it really is going to be OK. I love these R40 AMs. I love.
Bailey Garner (23:50.178)
Thank you.
Toby (24:11.284)
one of them that I was repeating again today that said this isn't going to last forever. You know this trial, this struggle, this season's not going to last forever. It's not going to be this way forever. And so let God teach you something and struggle well. That would be my word. Not not struggle but struggle well.
Bailey Garner (24:31.566)
Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. I will. I'll put that one on my mirror. I think it might be there already. I love you. Bye!
Toby (24:36.778)
Love you, baby.
Toby (24:42.592)
Bye!